“OK, we’re going to get half of the class over there playing some excellent sports and fighting video games, then the rest of us are going to attach electrodes to your nipples, dial up the current and then ask whether it hurts.” Sure it sounds like a typical drunken night of video gaming that got a bit out of hand, but by all accounts this was an honest to goodness genuine academic study, complete with a Professor with an amusing name. Director of Undergraduate Research, Associate Professor of Psychology, Dr Bryan Raudenbush, says the study results suggest that video games could help distract patients from painful injections or dental work.

I’m sorry but I’m just not buying this. I lose my concentration when my wife walks in front of the telly when I’m playing a video game. I think I’m going to have trouble focusing on the game I’m playing when I catch a glimpse of a giant hypodermic needle out of the corner of my eye. Case in point; I spent plenty of time with Street Fighter Alpha 3 Max last week and it really didn’t matter how absorbed I was in the fight, my thumb still hurt like crazy. There were no signs of any analgesic properties while playing. Let’s imagine for a second that there is some truth in this. Some of us can tend to get a little physical with the controller during the heat of battle. Is the dentist really going to be happy that we’re writhing about with arms and elbows flailing as he goes about his work? Isn’t the whole ‘staying still’ thing kind of important? When was the last time you heard the doctor say, “OK now, I’m just going to stick this giant needle in your arm. I’d like you to thrash around like a washing machine on the spin cycle”?

Then there’s the whole ‘experimenting on live people’ issue. Sure, we’re only talking Americans here, so no PAL gamers are getting hurt in the process, but last time I checked, even inflicting pain on mice was frowned upon. Did they start by giving electric shocks to monkey’s playing Madden, and just work their way up to the students? How much pain did they inflict before discovering RPGs have no analgesic properties whatsoever?

Time for a new logo at the WJU campus?

Trusted online authority, Sperling’s BestPlaces lists the city of Wheeling in the top three safest cities of its size in the USA. Which is all well and good; just don’t enrol in the WJU Psychology Department!

Truth is, I’m as likely to forgo traditional medical pain relief for a quick game of FIFA 2006, as I am to have open-heart surgery with hypnosis instead of general anaesthesia. If it comes to the crunch and we’re all out of pain relief options, I think you’d have better luck just hitting me over the head with the Xbox and knocking me out cold.